School of Monkey Labor Management
Dr. Zeus’ School of Monkey Labor Management
I would like to thank you for your interest in Dr. Zeus’ School of Monkey Labor Management.
As host, Dr Zeus would like to extend this pertinent visit and examination of the facilities by virtual letter . Located on the "Island" (called X for now) once occupied by esteemed colleague Dr. Moreau, (now kept secret because of rumored animal experiments) the facade has no road, no genuine entrance per se; but after climbing down the faux drainage capsule into the elevator, you will be whisked to the bottom 42nd level to our premium lab facilities and training institute. The blindfolds may be clandestine at best upon entry on the island by barge, but upon inspection inside the facility, the laboratory sports the regular institutional look with large glass exterior windows and bridged steel girders. The floor slab is boxed in genuine U.S. steel bar and imported Alabama concrete, smoothed over large drainage pipes. Each wall has the standard high pressure hose attachments, with a basement of straw and rocks for unruly workers.
There are, however some standard forms and rules that must be explained before continuing our journey; these rules and competency manuals must be signed before the end of the week. During this procedure, you will all be housed at one of our bunker facilities. When it is determined that you are no threat to the monkeys or the management of the establishment then we can begin to explain some of our controversial training operation; but only after your fitness achievement reports have been approved by the staff. Since we allow no cameras or recording devices, we also chose not to allow any writing utensils, computers, or any type of animal/human voice recognized software.*
After reading the 255 page Manual for Entrance and passing the M.O.N.K.E.Y exam (monkey operation, news, knowledge, exams and You ® health) the final two will be chosen. These two people will be lucky enough to understand the three , yes three basic principles of Monkey Mechanics, (the Three Stooges ; the heart of monkeying around.) SEE NO MONKEY, HEAR NO MONKEY, AND SPEAK NO MONKEY. Yes it’s that simple!
Waiting for your arrival, Monkey SEE, our Plant Manager takes you through his duties: the plant operation, scheduling, workers organization; they are all his responsibility... the work gets done with Monkey SEE. Although he may not hear so good, his voice is recognized; as are his chest beats by the crew. The crew look to him for finger pointing, stomping and pushing monkeys around. Monkey SEE can tell you when a female monkey will be around, (so he can escort her to a more private domain) when the bananas and fruit are to arrive, warn you of impending doom if you should cross his path. Monkey SEE gives out grooming performance bonus’s on himself , and of course his companions. Perhaps Monkey DO, in the Monkey Around Department ( Foreman- in charge of lifting, pushing, pulling, rolling and throwing) and SEE’s right hand monkey, will help give an award to the monkey of the month. (Usually a female wins the coveted prize)
*[It is best to apply all monkey attributes (Mizaru, Mikazaru, and Mazaru) in a way as to not have any assumption what -so- ever of what the establishment intends, or is doing. Monkey attributes will be explained in detail throughout the tour, but is not recommended as plausible discussion when among the monkeys]
Monkey DEE won’t turn when you call him; he is very intuitive and, a nervous type monkey that won’t allow just the average monkeying around. There are too many numbers and blocks to look at. That’s why Monkey DEE is our common worker monkey instructor. His teaching methods needs no approach to listening to his student; as a matter of fact Monkey DEE won’t tolerate any interruptions, intrusions, nor flash photography. His employed methods include, the "round peg in a square hole technique", the "leaning window stare", (get’s all the chicks to say awwhhh!!) and helps with Monkey SEE’s duties of pointing around and stomping and chest smacking. Although Monkey DEE has a voice, it becomes meaningless when Monkey SEE is stomping around. This makes Monkey DEE the commissioned ( by Monkey SEE) Monkey Union Leader ; a plus (to SEE) when monkeys want some sort of change in routine. Monkey DO and DEE are hand in hand with their workers. As a matter of fact Monkey DEE has his hand on everything Monkey DO has, and get’s more from the other Monkey Departments...they all have to come to him for something at some time...even if DEE has to come to them.
Dr. SPEAK doesn’t want to be called a monkey at all. He has a lot to say to all the rest of the monkeys, although he doesn’t know if the message was received, he doesn’t have any idea which characteristics every monkey has, so he gives all monkeys an orange and ask them how they feel the next day, or tells them it will pass. He doesn’t speak to regular monkeys other than to asks how the orange tasted. The other monkey traits are apparent though. He is the first to report to: change, female monkeys,(if SEE, and DO didn’t report before him) that the round peg goes in the round hole, he is very good at picking the lice off many monkeys -even at 10 paces he can spot an ant hill plus give sticks to show the others that, ants may sting a little, be crunchy, but taste real good. Dr. SPEAK is in charge of nutrition, health and maintenance of the waste and refuse facilities. His lessons are mostly about just every day "Monkeying Around" techniques, the "Three Stooges Visual Test", his Novel, "Where did that Rowan and Marten Monkey Come From?" He has famous reports on "The Modern Day Monkey", controversial subject outlining, "Is Man a Monkey to be Toyed with?, and, " Are Toys Mans Monkey Machinery? ", Dr. Speak has also voiced his disdain on the theory that there IS an actual "Planet of the Apes" and dis-credits these films and books as propaganda to his students.
If any one has deserved the title of "Philosophical Monkey" (this was in fact given to him by the prestigious periodical "Monkey Day" magazine) it is Dr. Zeus. His "Monkey Labor Management" Techniques are being used with Labor Unions across the country to this day. "Principles such as the revered line, "Are you talking to me?" , or, "What time is break ?" have been reduced to fill in the blank, trivial colloquialisms, out of context for the modern day monkey laborer.", wrote Brice Newsy of the Monkey Herald. "Although Dr. Speak and Dr. Zeus don’t exactly agree on the "Planet of the Apes" theory, Dr. Zeus’ plan of Monkey Labor Management take us one step closer to realizing the dream of a monkey’s freedom to work with man", wrote President John B. Halley of the National Board of Monkey Labor.